So you want a SL girlfriend? Part 6: Wrap that Rascal

When looking around at the avatars in the SL universe, I like to categorize people based solely on their appearance into: The beautiful people (...sheepishly puts down mirror), the newbies, and the seriously Jacked UP! The first two are fairly self-explanatory, so I want to use this opportunity to address the latter. I'd like to say "you know who you are" but unfortunately that is the main problem, you really don't. Your avies are all jacked up because you think it looks good but bruddah you couldn't be farther from the truth. Buying a skin and slapping it on your "masculine" shape then topping it with some prim hair should be as simple as 1-2-3.

1. SHAPE. "Sometimes to build up, you have to tear down." Don't know who said it but they couldn't be more right. If the "base" of your avatar isn't right, nothing else is going to be right. There are some fundamental mistakes that most people make when setting up the shape of their avatar. Unless you are a professional basketball player and want to make your avy and accurate representation of your real body, there is absolutely no reason to be towering over seven feet tall. Now, I will admit, the majority of poseballs and interactive objects in SL seem to be preset for the tall avatars. That being said, most all of them are adjustable and your day-to-day appearance is more important than how you line up on that fancy sexgen bed.

The next issue is what I call "slider envy" where every slider in the appearance menu is at the extreme position one way or another. Max muscles, zero body fat, max shoulder width, zero love handles, etc. Guys, this is not the freaking World Wrestling Federation and you don't have a Texas belt strap cage match coming up on SUNday, SUNday, SUNDAY! I'm not saying your avy shape has to be a true and accurate representation of what you look like behind the keyboard, but I am TIRED of seeing the non-green Incredible Hulk clones running all over the place. This doesn't mean you can't have a sexy, fit, athletic or even muscular avy - you can and a great many ladies will enjoy running their virtual fingers over it. Just tone it down some fellas, trying to be the biggest dog on the block is impossible because there are thousands of 'roid raging robots out there already.

One of the most important features of your avy, and also the most difficult to tweak correctly, is the head and face area. First of all, do not be afraid to make your head larger, especially if you are going for a more muscular build. Keeping the proportions right for your whole avy is important but sadly the head tends to get left by the wayside.... figuratively of course. Making adjustments to your facial features is a slow, tedious, and aggravating process. My advice, pay someone to do it. There are plenty of shape stores and vendors out there, contact the owner and ask if they do custom work. Most will, and will help with other areas you are having problems with for a reasonable fee.

2. SKIN. "Never judge a book by its cover".... ahh, what a wonderful sentiment. Wouldn't it be great if everyone based their opinions solely on the inner strength and beauty found in all of us? Yeeeeaaaah, that'd be swell. Problem is, doesn't work that way. Men judge women by sight from distances that eagles are still squinting at with a clinical "Do her; do her; do her; won't do her; do her...." Hell, men judge women from these distances before they're even sure it's really a woman, "Man, you see the ass on that long haired blonde..... chick?" Guys, don't fool yourselves, women do the same thing, but they usually wait til they are in range to see how dreamy your eyes are. They say women have decided within the first five minutes whether or not they're going to have sex with you. Get a smoking hot skin wrapped around that avy and those minutes disappear faster than she can giggle "OMG! I'm not wearing any panties tonight, teeheehee."

My philosophy is any skin is better than newbie skin. Find something with a skin tone you like, facial hair if desired, wear it and then save your lindens to upgrade to a premium skin. When you are finally ready to take the plunge and get that perfect look for your avy, try not to post in chat "Are they out of their f-ing mind?!?" Great skins cost a great deal, but most come in bundles or "fatpacks" that give you multiple options with facial hair, scalp hair or bald, and even some prim attachments for head covering or a lower unit (flaccid) to complete your nudist look. While women seem to have a penchant for changing their skin from week to week, it's really not expected, or necessary, for men to do the same. Nothing wrong with changing your look if you like, but getting more than maybe an additional good goth/vamp skin or other specialty skin is about all you need. One additional note, you may need to adjust your shape after you put a new skin on. Skins look different on different shapes due to the shading or textures used to make the skin, so take the time to check it out and make a few adjustments if needed.

3. HAIR. "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your..." okay, okay, so I couldn't think of an appropriate quote for this section, sue me! Prim hair, flexi hair, super flex hair, whatever you want to call it. It ALL looks better than that colored mop you start with and are supposed to shape into some kind of head covering. I was going to post some pics of my newbie look, but I deleted all those and burned them. Yes, I printed them so I could burn them as part of a ceremonial cleansing ritual. You must eliminate any visible evidence of that horrible mane by first wearing the "bald head" that comes with every prim hair you purchase. It it not necessary to edit your hair to make it as short as possible, the bald cap will take care of that.

Prim hair styles are seemingly endless in SL. Granted, about 90% are made for women, even those bullshit "unisex" ones, so finding good hair for men is a challenge, but not impossible. Choose whatever style strikes your fancy, don't worry, after you get that girlfriend she'll decide what looks best on you. Just remember to edit your hair after you put it on, especially if you edit your head size as mentioned above. Most hair comes sized for the standard beginning head shape, so you will need to stretch it in edit mode as well as position it correctly on your noggin. One last note about hair styles, and this is just a personal preference. ENOUGH with the long flowing guido mafioso ponytail! I don't know why that one bothers me so much but if I had some prim cutting scissors....

Regardless of how you set up your avy, pick a style, have a plan, and stick with it. Once you get your "look" established you can mix it up, have some fun with it. The best time to change it up is when you are going to a club for some theme night, then you can take a chance with a different skin, different hair, etc. Most importantly, make your avy pleasing to your own eye, you are the one that has to look at it the most. The more you like the look of it, the more confident you'll be and that's what is even more appealing to the female eye. Be unique, make that look yours, and make it work!

So you want a SL girlfriend? Part 5: A/S/L?

Age/Sex/Location? One of the laziest questions ever put forward on the internet. I guess if you are in a massive chatroom and you only want to talk to those of the opposite gender (supposedly) and in your prefered age range (allegedly), then that question is the fastest way to get down to whatever business you had in mind. Downside of this quick fix is that you are missing a slew of opportunities for conversation that would have led you to those answers anyway.

Now as shocking as this may sound, there are many people who actually "lie" on the internet. (Insert gasping sound.wav here) I know, I know, what dastardly excuse for a human would dare do something so despicable as to actually fib to a perfectly anonymous stranger three time zones away! It happens, and it's not exclusive to just one gender. Everyone's got something to hide, something they don't want to reveal, as my best girl Kris likes to say, "we are all broken toys". Some are just a little closer to recall for lead contamination than others, no offense to my loyal Chinese readers..

Not wanting to reveal all your personal info on the internet is a normal and inherently wise decision. This does not mean you need to fabricate the greatest lie since Joe Millionare. The truth will always come out, and if you are serious about wanting to find that someone special, the discovery of your deception will end that possibility quickly and harshly. If you are looking for someone to share your time with, someone to connect with, it has to be the real you they are conversing with. Withholding information until you are farther along in your relationship is perfectly understandable, flat out lying is just immature and stupid. Kids break the living room lamp and swear they didn't do it, grow up and fess up already.

Being a mature responsible individual is important at all phases of a relationship; before, during, and the eventual after. Being goofy and fun loving is fine, acting like a spoiled, still-in-puberty, ignorant shithead is not. No woman wants a boyfriend that still needs his diapers changed, unless she has that infantilism fetish but that's a different chapter, and showing your childlike behavior while trying to impress her is not going anywhere. Get this through your head guys, not every girl is going to like you! You are not going to hit it off everytime you lay down your best pick up line and will be rejected like imported Shanghai sushi, again no offense to my loyal Chinese readers. When this happens, cursing her out, calling her names, sending ignorant IM's and notecards is NOT acceptable. Move on already, even if it is your first time talking to a woman, you don't have to act like it.

This goes for the end of the relationship too. If it's over, it's over. Working through a problem, a misunderstanding, and trying to make up is one thing. Clinging to what you used to have and constantly harrassing her because you refuse to let go is just pathetic. Word to the wise, girls talk... alot. You do NOT want to be the guy known as the pussyhurt psycho stalker, that's a red flag, again my apologies loyal Chinese readers, that will follow you around for a long time. As seemingly endless as SL appears, it's amazing how the circles of people all intersect, your behavior will be known from SIM to SIM. Let it go, be a man, don't be that guy.

So you want an SL girlfriend? Part 4: Pony UP!

You fidget nervously with the credit card in your hand. You wonder, are there risks putting my personal information on file with an internet "game"? Will I seem thoroughly pathetic for actually spending my own money to tip virtual strippers? Of course you will, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't just bite the bullet and do it anyway. Get off your ass and get a premium account. Today!

Why? Gettin' dem Lindens! Chicks don't dig campers and you will find there are a multitude of things in SL that you would like to purchase, and if you have to spend all your time dancing on a camp pad to get those lindens, well that's gonna cut into your courting time. Additionally, being caught short when you could really stand to have an extra hundred lindens on you is quite embarrassing. The ladies of SL like the occasional gift and when she spies that ring that would just complete her outfit, being the guy to deliver that accoutrement will pay off in spades later, if you're lucky.

What other reason could I have for having a premium account? Land ownership. Feeling frisky? Found a little lady that wants to trip the light fantastic with you? Many women in SL are all about the sexual aspect of the internet, i.e. "cybering" for you that don't know, but a great majority of them really love the visual aspect of it. Having to take them to a free sex area for your romantic interlude may be alright at first, hell, it's probably where you met her, but soon they are going to want to a more private setting. Believe it or not, many women actually are not comfortable showing nudity in public, and that goes for their avatars as well. I know, who'd a thunk it? Giving her a private place to display her goodies, and get a peek at your style of decorating, will make her much more relaxed and ready to unleash the sexual tigress she's been hiding all this time.

Need another, non-sexual, reason for a premium account? Business. Opportunities abound in SL for a shrewed businessman. SecondLife actually presents a real chance to make real money for its online users. Find that unfilled niche, and no, I'm not talking about hers, and begin your journey into the world of virtual commerce. Oh, and chicks dig the power associated with a SL shopkeep.... just sayin'.

*A side note for the ladies: Just because a guy has lindens does not mean he's a bank. Unless you negotiated a fee up front, that blowjob you gave him three weeks ago does not entitle you to randomly hit him up for cash anytime you are short. You don't want to be treated like a hooker, so please don't act like one.

In my upcoming posts, I'll be talking about some of the main things you should purchase in your quest for the perfect woman. Be forewarned, they are not cheap, but seriously, how can you put a price on love? Unless it's $5.99 per minute...

So you want an SL girlfriend Part 3: Smooth Talker

"No need to ask, he's a smooth operator, smooooooth operator..."

Sade was the first to recognize the "playah" in song, back in the 80's, and notice, she wasn't put off by it, in fact, I believe her Nigerian born heart was actually set a flutter by his confident swagger. Fellas, in a chat based interactive setting like SecondLife, your words are your most important tools when it comes to wooing those virtual vixens. Sure, you could have the hottest, sexiest, studmuffin avatar in SL, (trust me, it does help). You can throw around the lindens, buying free drinks and diamond necklaces for every giggling bimbo in the club or offer them a ride in your expensive, but absolutely pointless, prim recreated Lamborghini Diablo. At the end of the day, the only way you're getting in that virtual g-string, is by charming her right out of them.

Developing your "rap" as the youngsters are calling it, (they still call it that, right?), is an acquired skill, by years of interacting with real humans. If you've never left your parents basement and prefer to deal with the outside world only through the glow of your monitor, I'm gonna go out on a limb and predict you may have a bit of a tough time conversing with anyone longer than the time it takes to ask "Do you have a Boba Fett in mint condition?" Let's address a few of the do NOTS. Pencils ready?

You see that smoking hot avy shaking her ass on the dance floor, you fight your way through the lag to get near her and after a quick camera swing to check for panties, you IM her and ask "Wanna fuck?". WRONG! Wrong, wrong, ignorant, and wrong. The first time I heard a girl tell me this had happened to her, I thought she had run into a real loser asshole. I soon found out, that loser asshole has hundreds if not thousands of loser asshole brethren running around out there with the same exact neanderthal approach to women. If you are in a free sex dungeon on Poke-A-Hole Island, that type of behavior is only borderline tolerable, but in any other public setting, keep that stupidity to yourself.

That leads me to my next example sure to be flagged for a personal foul: Illegal use of IM, intentional unwanted earbending and encroachment of personal space. The instant message feature is meant to be a private means of communication, used primarily for friends. It is always a good idea to actually speak to someone in open chat first, get their attention, strike up a conversation, compliment them on their nifty stiletto boots, whatever, before you switch to the private chat. Exceptions to this can be for a private question asking for help, informing someone they are "Ruthed", or sending requests to the DJ. Aside from that, try speaking in open chat first, it's the polite thing to do.

In open chat, please remember that everyone in range can read what you are trying to say, even if they are not currently typing anything. This means rude comments like "Nice tits" are not only likely to piss off the object of your affection, but ruin your chances with any other ladies within earshot. Being flirtatious, witty, and charming with one particular female has far reaching effects. Others may see you attempting to schmooze your way into a girl's heart and find you curiously attractive.... in a pathetic sort a way. But God love 'em, they just can't resist the "lost puppy" and may just end up taking you home after all.

Being flirtatious requires a certain amount of tact, flair, and most importantly, subtlety. The women of SL loooooove to be flirty. Love to let their hair down and act in a way they would never consider doing in the real world. This does not, in any way, mean they are a sure thing and destined to hit the cyber sack with you. Assuming otherwise is a colossal mistake and likely to leave you alone with your right hand girl Rosey. It's true that men can change anything a woman says into something sexual, that doesn't mean you should! Coming on strong with your overtly sexual comments gives women the wrong impression that all you want is "sex". She may be in the mood for some mental "stimulation" if ya know what ahm sayin.... but they always want more than just the local horndog.

Humor is your best weapon in the battle against the virtual chastity belt. Making a girl laugh is the quickest way to win her heart, but coming off funny in a chat driven environment is not always that easy. People can't "hear" sarcasm in your voice, they won't know you are doing a dead on impersonation of that hilarious celebrity voice, and inside jokes don't work well when you are the only one who knows them. Keep your replies simple, witty, and direct. You don't have to be "the life of the party" to keep everyone LOLing all night long. Don't be afraid to be stupid, be the butt of the joke, be vulnerable. Never take it personal if someone decides to take a shot at you, consider it a compliment. There are a lot of small minded people out in the world and if you are garnering the ladies attention, they'll try to chop you off at the knees. Feeding off their envy and shrugging it off makes you look all the more stronger.

What is the most important, most attractive feature a man can possess? Confidence. Being confident in yourself, in your ability to chat and carry on a conversation with anyone you might run into in SL, adds much weight to your overall charisma. Women want a man that knows what he wants and knows how to get it. Strength of personality, being able to 'port into any location and take over the room with just your presence makes the ladies perk up and take serious notice. There's nothing wrong with being arrogant, just don't cross that line in to conceited. Present yourself with a sense of excellence, don't try to convince everyone that you are better than them.

Most of all fellas, just remember to take it slow. There are 1.5 million users on SL, and there is someone out there for everyone. Desperation is a disease that no woman wants to catch. Take your time, make some friends and get to know people. The more the ladies see you around, the more they'll want to know about you, and the more they know about you, the more they'll want to snatch you up for themselves. Good luck and happy hunting.

So you want an SL girlfriend? Part 2: Express Yourself

SecondLife is an amazing medium of interacting with people, mostly humans, from all over the world. Visually stunning graphics and amazingly detailed builds, by people with a hell of a lot more patience than I, await to please the eye. SL is also full of sounds, artificially made or recorded to give the feel of the beach, jungle, or crackling fire, as well as a cornucopia of music, from every genre, played, performed, or sang for your listening pleasure. Now with the new voice enabled feature, you can even speak to and hear those fellow avatars you so desperately want to befriend... but, even with all that extra stimuli, SL is at its core, a simple chat program.

Yes, a type driven chat program, which will be at least 90% of your communication with those around you, so you had better learn how to express yourself in a way that conveys the real you behind the avy. "But Bender, I suck at typing!! Help me!!" Fear not ye fingerly challenged, I am here to guide you on the way to seducing that Pamela Anderson look-a-like avy with a nothing more then gentle strokes of your fingertips.

1. Learn To Spell. We all make mistakes, we all fall victim to the horrid typo monster from time to time, none are perfect. No, not even me. Spewing forth a steady stream of unintelligible words on the screen is a sure fire way to show everyone how proud you are of your 4th grade diploma, and that you don't belong anywhere near the Mature area of SL that your are standing in. Constant misspellings are difficult to read, no one wants to feel like they need a translator just to talk to you, when supposedly you are using the same language.

The solution? Take your time, read what you type, before, you hit the send key. If you don't know how to spell the word, don't use the word. Think of an alternative, even if it's simplistic and doesn't quite convey exactly what you meant. Claiming your are drunk or high is only going to work for so long before people think you need a dictionary or an intervention.


2. Chat etiquette. When communicating in open chat, there are some standard rules. Lay off the CAPS lock is one, it implies that you are shouting. If you want to emphasize a particular word, and since there's no bold or italics option, capitalizing a word is acceptable and effective, example: "You are an IDIOT!" Simple, direct, and clearly expresses what you are feeling behind your monitor.

Lay off the punctuation is another common rule. Adding 15 exclamation points or question marks behind every comment is unnecessary and very annoying. Directing your comments, by name, is also an important feature in chat. If you are wanting to reply to a particular comment you just read, just remember, everyone else in the conversation is not going to wait for you to dole out your tidbit of wit. Most likely, there will be multiple comments made, unrelated to your current focus, before you hit the enter key, so adding someones name to the end or beginning of your line will make it much easier to figure out what you are talking about and why. "Funny stuff, Bambi" or "Kelly, my frogs wear burlap" will keep the flow of conversation moving freely.

3. Pacing yourself. When communicating in open chat or IM, the idea is to keep a semblance of a normal dialogue. Typing to one another as if you were speaking naturally face to face. There are two kinds of posts that are frowned upon. The "I'm high on crack" posts and the "Did I just crash or are you still typing?" posts.

Posting comments like a junkie needing a fix is beyond annoying. Rapid firing one to three words at a time and sending and repeating so it takes twelve lines of chat to finish one sentence just screams, "this is the first time I've talked to a real girl and I don't want to stop talking because I'm afraid she'll lose interest in me and start talking to that other guy or worse teleport away from me because she's afraid that I'm going to stalk her across the internet and show up at her house and go through her trash and make a shrine to her out of hair from her brush and discarded toenail clippings." While that may actually be the truth, you don't want to give out that impression until after the second date.

On the other side of the spectrum, it is absolutely not necessary to post a chapter of War and Peace when replying to a simple, "Hi, how are you?" Normal conversation consists of questions, answers, comments, and replies. That's it. Keep your posts to a concise sentence that takes up one or maybe two lines of chat. Large posts tend to blow everyone's posts off the screen, causing them to be missed or ignored by those unwilling to scroll back to see them. Going off on a tangent in the middle of your own reply will lead others to believe that you have missed your daily medication and should probably go lay down for a bit.


4. Expand your vocabulary. Using the big people words in open chat is tricky business. Women are very attracted to intelligence, but very repulsed by people trying to make them feel stupid. I've found that the higher the IQ a person has, the lower the social skills they possess. If you are talking quantum physics, by all means expound away. If the conversation is about "What's your perfect date?", launching into a diatribe about the numerous ramifications that roses impart on the olfactory senses when proliferating them hither and yon on sheets of satin, may just get you the "oops, I think I'm crashing" reply.

Conversely, typing in what I like to call IM speak, or text speak, is equally annoying. Honestly, is it really that hard to just type out the whole damn word? While I'm sure those fluent in text speak have no trouble translating the gibberish you are putting on the screen, problem is, you aren't posting on a cellphone and I'm not your goddamn BFF. The only person who can get away with that style on a regular basis is Prince, because he was and still is the man, and you ain't him.

The main difference between being a good chatter and an excellent chatter is balance. Finding that balance that shows your true wit, intelligence, and depth. There are always exceptions to the rules. Rapid fire posting for comedic effect, posting a lengthy answer to a question that everyone is asking, or using a word that may be well over everyone's head but is the only way to explain what you mean, are all acceptable in the right circumstances. Most importantly, be yourself. Type how you really talk. The truer you are to your real self, the man behind the monitor, the more impressed she'll be.

So you want an SL girlfriend?

Companionship. It's a basic, primal need for all of us... well, primates, here on this big blue ball we call earth. Luckily for us all, the greatest invention known to man is available to help us deal with that gnawing pain of loneliness, the internet. Ah yes, where better to develop your social skills then in the anonymous abyss found in the world wide web and SL is the creamy nougat center where all your fantasies can be fulfilled.
Sure we all want that special someone to connect to, even if for just one night, but there are some guidelines that should be adhered to, to make it a pleasant experience for all parties involved.

I will be expounding on these items in future posts but here are the basics:

1. Learn how to type in complete sentences.


2. Learn how to communicate.


3. Get a premium account.


4. Act your age.


5. Get proper skin, shape and hair.


6. Buy clothes and change your outfits.

This will be my launching pad for future post ideas and I'm sure I'll be adding to this list as I go along so check back regularly. Please remember, I'm writing this guide for men. I may decide to write a list of do's and don'ts for you ladies as well; "How to snag that perfect guy", "How slutty is TOO slutty?", "Dom or Sub? Which is the greater evil?"......

Warning!!: Viewer Discretion Advised

I felt it would be best for me to lay out a disclaimer on my "style" of posting before I offend someone and have the pleasure of receiving my first hate email. I am fond of using the salty language. No, I'm not a pirate, but I prefer to write how I actually speak. I will use curse words, I will use descriptive slang for body parts and bodily functions. I don't use them for shock value, although some words are extremely funny used in the correct context. I am an adult, and expect my readers to be adults, open minded adults, and accept my posts for what they are. WORDS, on the internet, for entertainment purposes!

So, before anyone goes "reporting" me for my oh so inappropriate behavior, please take the time to read this post and not read anymore of my blog. It will save us both a lot of time, you wasting it with your complaining email that will be disregarded, and me writing a curse laden response to your stupidity.

That being said, while I have no immediate plans for letting loose with the profanities, they could show up at anytime so buckle up and consider yourself forewarned.